Angel Watch

I came across this article about Angel Watch, a program that helps families that have to go through hard times like us. It was really good to hear what other people are doing and to see that other people go through times like this and are able to move on. Although, I can say I probably shouldn't have read it at work in the hospital because that is not where you want to let the tears run down your face freely. But I read it again when I got home, no worries, to get that therapeutic effect.

A few of the quotes really hit me and said what I was feeling, thinking, going through so much better than I could ever say them. So I thought I'd share a little of what goes through my head these days.

"love this baby into the world." One of my favorite things to do it to tell our baby that we love her and that she is the most important thing to us. That way, I know she knows. I need her to know.

This does not have to be the most traumatic experience in a couple's life together. Often a husband and wife will grow closer together, and the father is also given a chance to bond with the child he can't see. Second favorite is when Ryan feels her move. It is funny because a lot of times when I'm with other people, she doesn't want to move around much and be felt, but when Ryan puts his hand on my huge tummy, she flips, kicks, moves all around freely. I think she knows that is her dad out there. She loves him.

But what Angel Watch tries to do is to re-frame what a miracle is: not a cure, perhaps, but maybe a live birth, and if not a live birth at least a chance to create memories and to learn, for example, what music made the baby kick in the womb. It has been a miracle that our little girl has been inside of me for so long. The last time we saw the genetic counselor was in March and even then she said, "It's remarkable that she has made it this far." And yet, here we are at 35 weeks-my belly bigger than ever and my baby as active as ever. That to me is a miracle. That we get to feel her and get to know her because she is ours forever.

"We learned that through really hard times, there is a way to be happy, to love the seconds you have of happiness and joy." There are sad times, but there are so many happy times. Like when we saw her on the Ultrasound and she had the hiccups. I laughed pretty hard about that. To look up at the screen and see her little diaphragm going up and down while feeling the little twitch of hiccups inside of me. It made me truly happy. I love when I put my hand on the part of my belly where I know her feet are and I feel her foot scrape across my hand. It makes me happy because I realize there is my child inside of me and she has these cute little feet that one day I get to hold and kiss and love. And that makes me happy (I swear, I'm happy even though it brings tears to my eyes). We have to find happiness in this time because to not is dumb. I want my baby to hear me laugh and to feel me smile; not only know the sound of my cry and the feeling of sadness. She deserves a smile and laughter for all of her life. So for her and because of her I still smile and laugh and love life.

Our baby girl is getting so close to coming out to meet us and a part of me is terrified. I tell her she can stay in there forever if she needs to (even though the swollen ankles and tired feet say otherwise). I would do anything for her and I know she knows that we love her a lot. She is one lucky baby to have so much love around her.